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In every photo in this blog post I'm suffering from depression. But not every day is the same. Certain days I can cope better than others. And some days I'm wearing a mask, and then other days I can't find the energy to put on that mask. But just because I'm smiling and laughing, doesn't mean my depression has magically vanished.

I wasn't sure whether to share this or not. But I decided to share it anyway. On my blog, in my Discord and on some socials. Because I would really like some peace of mind so I can work on myself and I hope you all understand and support me.

Like I've mentioned briefly (in my Discord at least) I'm not doing great. I don't usually go into detail about this and I know I don't have to. But I will try to talk about it in this post. Because then at least it's out in the open. And I really don't like the taboo around depression etc.

Whenever I'm depressed I sleep and cry a lot. I'm also really tired, but it's also a matter of not wanting to leave the bed. Or, when I have actually managed to get out, I want to go back to bed. Because when I go to bed I can sleep. And when I sleep, I won't feel (or at least not as much) as when I'm awake. I realise I feel tired and washed out. I can't seem to do the things I want to do. I have been crying more often. You don't generally get to see that, cause I usually keep it hidden. I fight hard and nothing works. And it only frustrates me more. Meanwhile I'm usually wearing a mask to the outside world, even to my own family, and I pretend everything is alright. But it's not. Depression comes in all shapes and sizes.

The things I've attemped these past few weeks aren't going well at all. I recorded some videos, but I can't seem to edit anything at the moment. I don't have energy to do live streams. I can't even craft new cards, and that's supposed to be relaxing. Meanwhile everything is being pushed forward, and I'm really getting stuck with everything I still "need" to do. So for now I'm not really doing anything, cause I can't. If my depression had an "off" button, I would've pressed it by now. But I've yet to find that button.

For now I really don't want to receive any DMs. Whether it's to show support or because I'm needed somewhere (sorry). I can't/don't want to help anyone right now. And I don't want to see unread or unanswered messages, cause to me that feels like I'm failing even more, since I can't get myself to respond to them at the moment. If there is a pressing matter for which I'm needed, you can always contact Wouter (through Discord). But I'm not here right now. I can't do my work. And I'm not enjoying "fun" stuff at all at the moment. All I do is stare at my screen.

Apologies for the not so happy post. But I always share the happy stuff. And sometimes it's the opposite, and I want to be able to share that too with my community.

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